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  • Writer's pictureRenata

Codependency and Insecure (Anxious, Preoccupied) Attachment

Basis: Insecure (anxious, preoccupied) attachment rooted in the family of origin.

It's difficult to accept—you chose an emotionally unavailable partner.

Reason: You are likely emotionally unavailable yourself, but you mask it by oversharing, investing too quickly in the relationship, and being hyper-available. You ignore red flags and display a notable lack of emotional boundaries, calling it a “loving heart.” You projected your intense need for love onto your partner, longing to merge with them and abandon your own sense of longing.

Rushing into a relationship can constrain its potential.

You rush in with blinders on, spending excessive time with your partner. Despite declarations to the contrary, you become completely immersed in and consumed by the relationship. You struggle to relate non-romantically because you haven't taken the time to see your partner outside of your romantic interest.

You exaggerate sexual intimacy to accelerate closeness and commitment, equating sexual intimacy with emotional intimacy.

Initially, everything seems perfect—"we have great sex and love." But soon, you realize that your need for genuine intimacy is not being met by sexual activity alone.

When you can no longer ignore the red flags about both your partner's and your own emotional unavailability, you recognize the relationship's impossibility. However, you may ignore this reality and try even harder to maintain the relationship. You begin to see your partner as deeply flawed and failing the relationship, which erodes trust—the opposite of what you need. Your partner may shut down due to your criticism and desire for them to change. You recognize the relationship dynamics but overlook your role in objectifying your partner's "weaknesses."

You view your circumstances through the lens of insecure attachment trauma from childhood. Instead of addressing this, you critique, blame, and label your partner as damaged or broken, co-creating a dysfunctional pattern of codependency and undermining trust. You appear to care deeply about the relationship, but your actions and words do not align.

When you finally see your partner outside of romantic interest, you may be astonished at who they truly are (Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde).

You believe the success of your relationship depends entirely on your partner changing. You diagnose them with various conditions (depression, alcoholism, attention deficit disorder, etc.), particularly pathological narcissism, collecting evidence to support your perception. This is your way of fighting for the relationship, eventually finding a label that fits your view of your partner's behavior.

This behavior protects your fragility, vulnerability, insecurities, and immaturity by objectifying the other person, especially if you see yourself as more advanced.

You may talk endlessly about your partner’s flaws with others, retelling your story to anyone who will listen. However, criticizing your partner’s character can lead to your spirit wilting, driven by fear of the relationship ending.

You position yourself as a victim, even though you chose your partner and co-created the relationship dynamics.

As a child in a dysfunctional family where you were emotionally neglected, you survived by making things work by any means necessary. In your codependent relationship, you continue to survive by insisting that you must make it work.

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